


The Case of the Masked Meowsketeer

by Vintar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Ladystuck, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 15:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintar/pseuds/Vintar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who is that masked troll?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Case of the Masked Meowsketeer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hoodedscarlet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoodedscarlet/gifts).



centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

CT: D --> You there  
GC: M3 H3R3  
CT: D --> Yes  
GC: 1M GL4D W3 GOT TH4T SORT3D OUT  
GC: BY3  
CT: D --> No, wait  
CT: D --> I wish to talk to you about your f001ish games  
CT: D --> Nepeta has recently %pressed an interest in roleplaying  
CT: D --> This is not to be encouraged  
GC: WHY 4R3 YOU T3LL1NG M3 TH1S 4ND NOT VR1SK4  
GC: SH3 L1V3S R1GHT N3XT DOOR TO YOU  
CT: D --> She is a coarse and ill-mannered individual  
GC: 4ND?  
CT: D --> And when I bought it up with her she saw where I was coming from but ultimately did not agree with my point  
GC: 1 JUST 4SK3D H3R  
GC: SH3 S4YS SH3 M4D3 4 RUD3 G3STUR3 4ND SL4MM3D H3R DOOR SHUT  
CT: D --> She may have made certain gestures and slammed certain doors shut  
CT: D --> She may not have  
CT: D --> This does not change my point  
CT: D --> Nepeta is a sw33t and innocent creature  
CT: D --> She needs to be protected from the brutish shenanigans of you and your ilk lest she come to harm  
CT: D --> I am warning you to not indulge her curiosity  
GC: OR WH4T  
CT: D --> Or else  
GC: OR 3LS3 WH4T  
CT: D --> Or else I will take measures that ensure you never have the opportunity to do so again  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> Unless you fought back despite the lowness of your station  
CT: D --> Would you fight back despite the lowness of your station  
CT: D --> Would that be a thing you might do  
GC: LOOK OUT OF YOUR W1NDOW  
GC: WH4T DO YOU S33  
CT: D --> I see Vriska waving from her window  
GC: 4ND WH4TS SH3 DO1NG NOW  
CT: D --> She's  
CT: D --> Oh  
CT: D --> Those gestures are really quite upsetting, you know  
GC: BY3 3QU1US

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

 

As a rule, Terezi did not tend to spend a lot of time on CullsList. The Scourge Sisters mostly operated by word of mouth and did-you-hears, sniffing out traces of treachery through the FLARP grapevine and flushing the lawless out of their lairs. Trawling online for villains in amongst advertisements for slightly stained hiveblock accoutrements did not have a particularly dignified air to it.

Still, there turned out to be a time and a place for it. The time was the day after one of their quarries had slipped through her fingers (metaphorically), and her noose (literally), and the place was in her hive, nursing her bruises and clicking through the Missed Connections in the vague hope of a _you were a dashing legislacerator, I was the midblood with an infuriatingly ungarrottable neck, why don't we grab a caffeinated beverage and try to murder each other again?_.

However, something was slightly odd about the missed connections in her local area. Much like the stained hiveblock accoutrements, the longer she looked at them, the more a pattern started to emerge.

_I was half-way down a cholerbear's maw, you pulled me out like it was a recalcitrant moobeast and you were troll James Herriot, then you disappeared into the woods with only a mysterious and haunting "meow". Call me?_

_you swooped down out of the 7rees, you bea7 up the blueblood 7hugs that had me bailed up... and you s7ole my heart <3\. (also, my ha7? I 7hink 7ha7 was an accident, 7hough.)_

_me: yellOwblOOd abOut tO lOse sOme fingers tO the undergrOund FLARP ring. yOu: sOme sOrt Of freckly whirlwind Of claws and frills. i like yOur style, almOst as much as i like still having my fingers. hit me up?_

_You had a body that didn't quiT, And a right-hook that didn't eitheR. Also some sort of taiL? Not sure about thaT. I was going to say thanks for that thing you diD, But my allergies were playing uP. Email mE?_

_didn't get a chance to get your handle when you saved me from those highbloods. will never forget what you did to that one dude. scytherapist says it's likely i never will. let's get a drink and talk about your hideous capacity for maiming things._

_who IS that masked troll???_

 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

GC: IN A BURST OF FLAMES AND FIREY WINGS THE MIGHTY DRAGON BURSTS INTO THE MAMA CAT'S TROLLIAN WINDOW AND SAYS IN A DEEP DARK DRAGONY VOICE:  
GC: THE JIG IS UP, TOOTS  
AC: :33 < *ac is a simple cat and wonders what jig that could possibly be*  
AC: :33 < *ac wonders if gc is asking her to dance!*  
AC: :33 < *ac has never danced with a dragon befur*  
AC: :33 < *ac takes the dragon's claws in her paws and starts to waltz!*  
GC: DON'T PLAY CUTE WITH ME  
GC: ALTHOUGH YOU REALLY ARE  
GC: SO CONTINUE TO PLAY CUTE WITH ME, I GUESS, BUT KNOW THAT IT WILL ULTIMATELY DO YOU NO GOOD!  
AC: :33 < we're dancing remember  
GC: THE MIGHTY DRAGON SAYS WHILE DANCING  
AC: :33 < that's better  
GC: THE MIGHTY DRAGON DIPS THE MAMA CAT EXTREMELY SUAVELY AND CONTINUES HER ACCUSATIONS  
GC: SOMEONE HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH FIRE. FLARPY, FLARPY FIRE  
AC: :33 < wh33! the mama cat says  
AC: :33 < and then, my, whatefur could you m33n, ms dragon?  
GC: THE DRAGON PULLS THE MAMA CAT IN TIGHTLY AND WHISPERS  
GC: I SUSPECT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PLAYING VIGILANTE!  
GC: THE WOODS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MEOWSIC, AND IT'S ALL PLAYING ONE TUNE:  
GC: SOME POOR UNFORTUNATE FINDS THEMSELVES IN PERIL, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A MYSTERIOUS CAT-THEMED HERO SWINGS IN AND SAVES THEM FROM A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!  
GC: OR JUST DEATH, MY NOTES ARE INCONCLUSIVE ON THAT POINT  
AC: :33 < gasp!  
AC: :33 < that is a strong accusation from the mighty dragon!  
AC: :33 < the mama cat insists that she would nefurr defy my meowrail like that  
AC: :33 < oops I mean her meowrail  
GC: THE DRAGON SAYS YOU MIGHT  
GC: NO WAIT HANG ON  
GC: WRONG PRONOUN  
AC: :33 < I threw you off! hee hee hee  
GC: H4H4H4  
GC: OKAY, SHOOSH  
GC: THE DRAGON WHO HAS A COMPLETE GRASP ON ROLEPLAYING PRONOUNS SAYS THE MAMA CAT MIGHT BE ABLE TO HIDE HER EXCITING BUT HIGHLY DANGEROUS SHENANIGANS FROM HER MOIRAIL...  
GC: BUT ONE GOOD LONG SCRITCH BETWEEN THE EARS AND HER LUSUS WOULD SING LIKE A YELLOW TWEETBEAST!  
AC: :33 < double gasp!!  
AC: :33 < that's playing dirty, and you know it  
AC: :33 < but if it comes to that, the mama cat has an ace up her sl33ve  
GC: AND THAT IS?  
AC: :33 < meowbeasts are not legally admissable in court :33  
AC: :33 < *the mama cat sw33ps off into the crowd*

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

GC: D4NG

Clearly, another tactic was in order.

 

It was a practical necessity that Terezi knew every inch of the forest around her hive. Her lusus's grove was tucked away behind her hive, surrounded by a scalemates hung in warning and, closer in, a web of noose traps that didn't have any warning at all. It was relatively well-secured, but there was always the chance that someone might slip past and try their hand at cracking her lusus's shell or tipping the doomsday scale.

There hadn't been much cause for alarm, though. Passers-by tended not to linger. The forest was full of shadows and vantage points, and the paths were twistier than an assassinterrogator's corkscrew, with a terrible tendency to double-back or dead-end without warning. It was generally quiet. Sometimes she'd catch a glimpse of Pounce, white fur glinting in the moonlight, or another forest-dweller's lusus, passing through to hunt or mate (sometimes with a troll chasing after it, trying to discourage it from the latter).

When one of the scalemates attached to her network of noose traps gave an informative squeak, she expected to find some lost plainsdweller, or another forest troll who had decided that her warning scalemates were either empty threats or lively decoration (which they also were, if one's definition of decoration tended to skew towards widespread criminal sentencing of adorable yet insolent plushies).

What she actually found, when she slid down to the ground and followed the line, was a party.

"This is encroachment on private property, unlawful traversal of owned land, and trespassing most foul! State your case. Cases?" She paused. "Each of you state your individual cases," she declared after a moment, "or all of you present one large unified case."

The dozen or so trolls strung up in her net gave each other confused looks, blood rushing to their faces. After a moment one spoke up, or as was more accurately the case, spoke down. "Aren't all those charges the same thing?"

"There are nuances and subtleties to each, which I am only too glad to explain to you at length!" Terezi leant on her cane. "Also, what you have to take into account is that possession is nine tenths of the law, and I not only possess this land, but at the moment all of you as well, and thirdly, a sword with a very nice point to it. Now: why are you behind my hive?"

In her long experience as one half of the Scourge Sisters, she had learnt that captives did not tend to like questions. _How did you think you'd get away with your heinous crimes? Where did you stash the boonbucks? Could you try not to bleed on my shoes?_ It was a surprise, then, that in response to her question all of the trolls brightened up, or was again the case, brightened down. "We're looking for the Masked Meowsketeer!"

"The Masked Meowsketeer." Terezi refused to dignify it with a question mark.

"She's the best," one said, as if that was clarification.

"She lurks around here," another chimed in. "Oh, oh, have you ever seen her?"

"Yes! Do you know her?!" With the idea that their captor may have clapped eyes on their hero, the net of trolls lit up with excitement. "Is she really that pawsome? Is she as katwaii as everybody says? Are all those stories online really true? Is it true that when she caught that lusus-beater, she--" The troll made a gesture. It was a complicated one, and went on for some time. There were explosion noises. Behind her, the other trolls nodded excitedly.

Terezi drew her sword and, as the stories of derring-do continued in the background, sauntered over to the guy-rope holding up the net. With one deft slice, it rained fans.

"You know what?" Terezi said, over the moans. "Let's go find her."

 

They found her perched atop the well-pummeled body of a cholerbear, drinking from a paw-print thermos and enjoying the pink light of the moonlight.

"It interrupted my tea purrty," she said, by way of explanation.

Contrary to what the stories would have had Terezi believe, the Meowsketeer not a giant strapping troll of legend; she was instead a rather small troll in a very large hat. The size of the feather in its brim made Terezi suspect that the cholerbear wasn't the only giant beast that had found itself face-to-aggressively-roleplaying-face with her, and her jaunty boots were made of improbable amounts of leather; the combined effect implied that if Alternia was not currently undergoing a biodiversity crisis, it was about to.

Inbetween the boots and the hat was a domino mask, barely concealing a constellation of freckles, and what could only be described as a combat ballgown. Terezi would have thought that it may have been hard to acccessorise a tail, but someone had neatly tied a matching bow on to it.

The Meowsketeer leapt to her feet and took a sip of her tea. The frills of her olive dress billowed in the gentle forest breeze, and the feather in her hat radiated jauntiness. It was extremely dashing, and likely would have remained so, had her gaze not found Terezi, grinning in the middle of the crowd.

The Meowsketeer promptly inhaled her mouthful of tea. 

Terezi waved.

"Just watch," said one of the trolls, as the object of their adoration hacked and spluttered terribly on top of a dead bear. "She's going to do something amazing, any minute now."

"I can't wait," said Terezi.

She didn't have to wait for long. One uncomfortably noisy moment later, the Meowsketeer rallied. "Oh no!" she cried, and pointed straight at Terezi. "One of the villain's henchmen has infurltrated your ranks!"

Terezi opened her mouth to query which incredibly vague villain this was supposed to be, but was quickly drowned out by outraged shouts. "I knew she was too mean to be a true fan!" said one of the trolls, and she had barely enough time to kick him viciously in the shins before the crowd pushed her forward. 

"Um," the Meowsketeer whispered conspiratorially, nose-to-nose with Terezi. "Now's about the time that I usually pawnch someone."

Terezi grinned. "What else are roleplay pals for?"

It took perigrees of FLARP practice to learn the little tips about how to fake taking a punch, subtle things that made it look realistic and believable. Terezi, still cross about the mean comment from the peanut gallery, decided to ignore them altogether. There was moaning. There was groaning. At one point she went BL4RGH, a noise that up until that point had only existed in comic books.

"Shh, you're ruining it!" the Meowsketeer hissed, trying to stifle giggles. "I mean, ahem, I have subdued the evil-doer!"

There was a round of polite applause from the crowd. Someone took a photo. Terezi lolled on the ground and stuck her tongue out of her mouth until the Meowsketeer nudged her chastisingly with the tip of one olive-green boot.

"Now if mew all will excuse me," the Meowsketeer said, hefting Terezi over her shoulder. "I must take this miscreant away so that they will never darken your doors again!"

The crowd looked at each other uneasily. One raised a hand. "We kind of went to her hiveblock, though."

The Meowsketeer's tail twitched. "So she will never darken you darkening her door again! Which is a total thing that is purrsible, I think, and which you should catccept without thinking about it too hard."

Without a backwards glance, the Meowsketeer whisk(er)ed her away, leaping through the trees.

When they were far enough away from the fans, Terezi started to laugh.

"I can't hear you," the Meowsketeer said. "I am doing a dramatic exit! No-one talks during dramatic exits."

Being jolted uncomfortably over one shoulder and without much else to do, Terezi pillowed her cheek on a particularly cosy ruff and took the opportunity to fish her mobile husktop out of her pocket.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA]

GC: 4LR1GHT MS L34FY GR33N SP1LL THE D33TS  
GC: TH3 D33TS 4R3 WH4T 1 C4LL TH3 D3T41LS WH3N 1 4M 3XTR4 UPS3T!  
GA: I Dont Know What Youre Talking About  
GC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1LL B3L13V3 TH4T  
GC: TH3R3 1S ONLY ON3 TROLL 1 KNOW WHO C4N M4KE 4 B4LLGOWN TH4T 1S BOTH FL4TTER1NG 4ND B4TTLE-R34DY  
GC: 1T 1S M4D3 OF SOM3TH1NG BOTH SH1NY 4ND 4PP4R3NTLY BLOOD-PROOF  
GC: 1T H4S W34PON1S3D FR1LLS!  
GA: Look She Made The Trek Out Through The Scorching Desert Past The Ravenous Maws Of The Daywalkers How Was I Supposed To Turn Her Away Empty Handed  
GA: Also She Bought Me A Ludicrous Amount Of Tea  
GA: So Theres That  
GC: G4SP! SO 34S1LY BOUGHT  
GA: Yes But Easily Bought With A Stupendous Amount of Tea  
GA: I Cannot See The Haters  
GA: Only All This Cammomile  
GA: Excuse Me I Mean Cammeowmile  
GC: OK4Y 1'M ON 4 CL1FF NOW 1 H4VE TO GO 1 W1LL 1NT3RROG4T3 YOU L4T3R  
GC: 1T 1S 4 GR34T DR3SS THOUGH  
GA: Yes I Know  
GA: Wait Why Are You On A cliff  
GA: Terezi  
GA: Hello

gallowsCalibrator [GC] changed her status to POSING DRAMATICALLY

GA: Well In That Case Try To Catch The Moonlight On The Beading It Works Really Well Even If I Do Say So Myself

 

The moonlight glinted off of the beading. It worked really well.

Terezi tried to stop herself from laughing. It did not work so well.

"Nepeta--"

"I totally do not know who that is, mysterious stranger! I am only known as the Masked Meowsketeer, a vigilante with a past as thrilling as it is tragic."

"And that thrilling yet tragic past is...?"

The Meowsketeer placed her hand to her brow. "It is simply too long and pawful to recount!"

Terezi cackled. "You haven't written it yet, have you?"

The Meowsketeer shooshed her. "The Meowsketeer lives in the purresent and does not dwell on the past, propurrly-written or not! But... I must admit that I... have a secret."

Terezi perked up. "Oh?"

"The Masked Meowsketeer got into this to save people and maybe to also roleplay in some adorable boots without her meowrail ever finding out." She swept her hat off of her head and gnawed on the brim worriedly. "But then people started following me-owround, and talking about me online, and I want to stop playing but if I have the feline that if just disappear I'll let them all down!" She took Terezi's hands. " _They write fic about me_ ," she hissed. "I don't know how to stop without breaking their hearts, or even worse... sinking their ships!"

Terezi took the hat from the Meowsketeer's hands and slipped it over her own horns, tilting it rakishly. It would have been extremely cool if not for the damp bitemarks on the brim. "Don't worry," she said, and gave the Meowsketeer a wink. "This is no match for a couple of RP experts like ourselves."

 

"Oh no!" cried the hapless victim. When the forest around her proved to be unmoved by her plight, she tried again. "I have been waylaid by a terrible villain! You know, just saying."

"Waylaid is a great word," her dragon-suited assailant growled, "but the use of good words, much like hoping for random heroic passers-by, will not save you now!" 

The Dragon, cape fluttering in the light forest breeze, drew her sword and pressed it to the girl's throat. Moonlight glinted along its length, reflecting on the girl's face, eyes wide with her best attempt at terror. Wind whistled through the trees, pink leaves rustling gently. The crowd of onlookers peering out from behind the trees gawked openly.

Nothing happened. As far as Terezi was concerned, this was a criminal waste of scenery.

"Oh no," Aradia said again, for a lack of anything else to do. "If anyone is listening, evil is afoot!"

Terezi leaned in close and glared over the top of her glasses. "And you call yourself a FLARPer?"

"Well, in my defense, clouders don't really need to roleplay," Aradia whispered, resting her chin idly on Terezi's sword. "If you'd asked me to design an overly-elaborate and monster-ridden dungeon to trap her in, I would be the very first person to call!" She paused. "Do you need me to design an overly-elaborate and monster-ridden dungeon to trap her in?"

"No! But I kind of want to throw you in an overly-elaborate and monster-ridden dungeon, where your terrible roleplaying will never be heard from again."

"Save it for the next match," Aradia grinned. "Oh no, won't somebody please save me from this terrible fiend?"

Thankfully for everyone involved, Aradia's further attempts at roleplaying were cut off with a mighty yowl. Everyone looked up. The Masked Meowsketeer, hanging upside-down from a nearby branch, pointed dramatically at the two. "Get your paws off of that innocent troll!" 

With an acrobatic roll, she leapt from the tree and landed deftly between the two of them. Aradia ran for safety, accompanied by a narration of _oh no I am running for safety now!_. 

"Finally!" hissed Terezi. "There's fashionably late, and then there's twenty minutes of trying to draw out 'you can't get away!'"

Nepeta smiled. "You two looked like you were having so much fun! I didn't want to interrupt." 

The Meowsketeer swung a clawed fist at the Dragon, the Dragon parried with her cane, and the battle started.

FLARP combat was limited by stats, equipment, and the general need to prevent your opponent from killing you and jacking your stuff to sell on the online FLARPtion house. Nepeta and Terezi were limited by no such things. As they clashed on the battlefield the audience ooh-ed and ahh-ed, and occasionally argh-ed, when the two fighters got a little too enthusiastic and rolled into the crowd, claws and sword drawn.

The two of them eventually sprang apart, panting in exertion. "You may be able to fight me in hand-to-paw combat," the Dragon declared, at full FLARP projection. Her voice rang out across the field, clear as a bell. "But what about... _my ghost army_?!"

"Oh no, ghosts!" cried the Meowsketeer, and clutched a paw to her heart. "A cat's natural enemy!"

On the sidelines, Aradia made shoo-ing motions to the empty air. A series of chilly breezes wafted past the onlookers. As lightning cracked in the distance, ghosts loomed down out of the air, empty eye sockets gaping. Someone in the audience fainted, much to the approval of the crowd; trolls to the bone, they were fans of over-the-top dramatic reactions, and also of being able to rummage through people's pockets without being stabbed.

The ghosts grabbed the Meowsketeer and held her in place despite her mighty struggles. Later on, some fans online would point out that the same effect could have been achieved by the Meowsketeer putting her arms up like she was dancing a terrible version of the robot. They would be banned from the Real Vigilante Fiction forums and have all their fics scourged from the web, which was a shame; Aradia's cadre of ghosts were terrifying and a bit gross, but quite unable to touch live trolls, and seeing Nepeta's attempts at the robot was the closest that Equius had ever came to breaking up with her.

The Meowsketeer paused, and the Dragon loomed over her. A sucker for the classics, she cried "I have you now!"

She swung her sword. Lightning cracked in the distance, and the Meowsketeer fell to the ground. Her hat, possibly confusing its narrative genres, rolled away from the scene before humourously toppling over.

The audience, fickle to the core and always at home to a good murder, applauded.

Bowing at the waist, the dragontroll hefted the Meowsketeer over one shoulder. "And now I disappear forever! The Meowsketeer was truly an incredible rival, and besting her has ruined the thought of all future villany for me. You should totally ship us." She jumped and squeaked as if she had been pinched, but that was clearly not the case; the only person near her was the obviously dead body over her shoulder, after all. "Farewell!"

The Dragon grabbed a conveniently nearby rope and swung off into the forest. Behind the cheering crowd, Aradia dispensed head-scratches and apologies to the ghosts.

 

"No more rolepurrlaying for me, I guess," Nepeta sighed, sprawled out over Pounce's back. She doodled idly on the walls with some chalk, a half-hearted quadrant grid taking shape under Terezi's most recent magnum opus of a lopsided His Imperial Tyranny eating a rainbow pirate ship. Underneath the two girls, Pounce twitched her tail and dreamt meowbeast dreams.

Terezi grinned around her chalk. "I don't think you should necessarily rule it out," she said. Retrieving it out from under one giant white paw, she slid her dragon hat back on. 

"Oh no," said Nepeta, trying to hold in her giggles. "Even after all that trouble, you really still want to play with me?"

"Raaar," replied Terezi. "Which is dragon for yes."

The cave echoed with delighted squeals and the noise of adventures until the sun started to rise.

Online, people started posting fix-it fic.


End file.
